What I Want To Be When I Grow Up (TBD)

As a high school senior, I walked into Mr. Bevan’s public speaking class expecting just another box to check for graduation. Instead, I found a space where I gained confidence, skills, and the courage to dream — even wildly. That classroom was a magical place not just because my classmates were fun (they were) or because Mr. Bevan was an incredible teacher (he was). It was also a magical place because a bank of windows stretched to our left, and as I sat at my little desk working on my speeches, I felt as safe as a cat in a square of sunshine. In that classroom, I felt secure enough to take risks.

This context might help you understand why I wrote a FUTURE CAREER speech on my goal of being a ballerina. Using the Occupational Outlook Handbook, I studied statistics and learned about career paths for ballet dancers. I organized my speech around the training and skills needed to become a professional ballerina, and then, in front of my high school classmates, I delivered my speech, starting with an intro in which I demonstrated the five main foot positions used in ballet.

This all makes perfect sense until you learn that, at that point, at the age of 18, I hadn’t taken a single dance lesson. And I had never attended a ballet performance. I can’t recall the topics of my classmates, but I imagine they chose reasonable professions like nurses, CPAs, and social workers — jobs they might one day have.

I think about that story a lot lately, mostly as an illustration of an important life fact: I’ve always been confused about careers. In college, I changed my major more often than I switched boyfriends. And that’s saying something. I settled on a major of religion with a minor in French (was I going to be a missionary in France?) before returning for a second BA so I could teach English. In the time since then, here is a non-exhaustive list of my careers: video store/tanning salon manager, elementary school teacher’s aide, high school English teacher, adjunct college professor, tutor, freelance writer, personal assistant, office manager, and now back to freelance writer and adjunct professor. Each role has given me more than just a bullet point on a resume; it’s through these pivots, that I’ve learned to connect, create, and stay curious.

But still, I can’t help but wonder how life would be different if I had given that speech on, say, becoming a librarian or technical writer.

The classmates who gave their speeches on viable jobs achieved success in their fields. They’ve climbed ladders, received promotions, and won awards. In the meantime, I seem to be reverting down my list of sampled professions. Maybe I’ll be a video store/tanning salon manager again — after I train my passenger pigeon to submit my paper resume.

So, I’m in my mid-40s, and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up except I know that I want to do meaningful and fulfilling work. Next semester I go back to the college classroom to see how that feels, and I’m also trying to build my freelance writing portfolio while toying with the idea of returning to public education or getting another degree when I’m done paying tuition for my sons. (Because not only do I not want to MAKE money — I prefer to SPEND more money.)

As I stand at yet another crossroads in my career, I’m trying to stop asking “What do I want to be” Instead, I’m asking, “How can I find joy in this journey?” I’m trying to stay curious, open, and brave enough to keep working on my ballet positions — even if I still haven’t taken a lesson!